Well, that wasn't what I thought I bought

So I ended up thinking another site provider was cheaper because I can't math after all, but the deed is done. I am leaving the host I've had for 5 years (that hosts this blog) and headed for a new one once the domain transfer is complete.

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Here's a Luddite for you: I miss FTP. I miss writing pages and having a website and just uploading stuff. I sort of did that here, but it never became second nature. And sometimes, when I look at my old Blogger blog, I… miss it. It was easier. I just wrote. I had more fun playing with the look of it, too. I understood the technical behinds-the-scene stuff better. Perhaps because I could actually see it.

I am in the same situation as a car mechanic. "I remember when you looked at an engine by popping the hood. Now it's all electronics and looking at a screen." Yeah, some things are more "user friendly", but I am frustrated by not being allowed to actually pop the hood.

Anyway, today's mistake means learning about another webhost, my blog/site getting a different look, and hopefully, me having a whale of a time tweaking and poking around and having some fun because I do like that stuff.

As I write this I realize something: I'm finally getting used to Wordpress. Only took me 5 years. :-D

Too much, too soon

Yesterday's grouchiness was a warning. My body and my moods are basically klaxons trying to get my attention. This morning I had no energy, no desire, no absent Grumpy. He was still with me. He had a message.

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I hate when I'm like this. I hate that my emotions so easily rise to the surface and I have neither the inclination nor the ability to force them back down, not even when the situation demands that I do. (Blowing up at work is a really bad idea.)

I got a reminder today that dealing with mental exhaustion, with panic attacks and its attendant issues, takes time. I was feeling too good Tuesday. I know now that I was not on the way up, but out of balance. Yesterday that lack of balance made itself known. I thought I'd headed it off at the pass, armed with hugs, but nope. On a good day I can wrestle with my feelings, but on a good day I'm not even in this battle. So I'm trying to face a dragon and all I can muster is a "whatever". It takes energy to battle with feelings, and in this case, it is a better strategy to just not bother.

Low on energy this morning, I got myself ready for work, only to be hit by full-blown lethargy. And so I played the waiting game. Maybe I'll feel like going in half an hour… which came and went and so I thought maybe in another half hour… But that's when my body decided to wield a clue-by-four with force: The very thought of going to work started to make me cry.

So I called in sick. And I'm not playing hooky. I have to get this through my head: I am sick, just not physically. I am not the definition of a well person at this time. So once again: I need to learn to give myself some slack, to figure out how to care for myself mentally.

So I've surfed YouTube today and appreciated the fact that last night I made dinner with lots of leftovers. 

I subscribe to Tom Scott's channel. Here's how my words actually get to you: 

Operating systems: Organic versus digital showdown

Prologue: On the way home from a midnight birdwatching session, I saw two tawny owls. First one by the side of road, and another atop a lamp post. Beautiful birds, calmly staring back at me. The myth is that old dogs can't learn new tricks. The truth is, we can, but we might need a bit more coaxing. And coffee.

Last year, I was forced to switch jobs and with that, learn a whole new set of skills. I was wondering how my then 53-year-old brain would handle it. Turns out, it handled it just like a 23-year-old brain would: With patience, notes, and lots of coffee and candy. Because heavy-duty learning is exhausting! I hadn't realized that. I just thought you're tired in college because of not enough sleep or something. Turns out you're tired because learning several new things every single day is like running a marathon every single day—but brains need more energy and more recovery time than bodies do.

The brain marathon hasn't ended. There's always something new to learn, previous knowledge to hone and the teaching of others. Like when we got the Windows 7 update at work this past week.

I spent the better part of Wednesday, tweaking settings for myself and a couple of co-workers, trying stuff first then guiding them through the new things. My fearlessness is driven by satisfying my curiosity. The saying goes, "Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction brought it back."

At home, where I use Apple products, I happily updated both OS X and iOS with my usual trust and abandonment. Over 20 years of reliable updates will do that.

Then I plugged in my Samsung camera to unload photos, and had a firmware update to do there. Which I've done before, too.

But the biggy was the OS update to Lollilop on my Android phone. I found myself dealing with an operating system and world I wasn't familiar with, and on a device I did not want to brick. So while I searched for information on the update, I wondered whether or not to just ignore it or at least join an Android forum somewhere. Turns out you can't ignore the Android update (you can, but only for a maximum of 3 hours at a time, not forever), and the Android world is so full of different phones, carriers and versions that I could see joining a forum might be a waste of time, not an aid.

Eventually I found a way to back up my Galaxy Note 3 (the app SmartSwitch), and after having read a few posts on what others had experienced, I made a second double coffee for myself and updated my phone. It actually went without a hitch. Success! Whew! Another win for this middle-aged woman.

We were talking about this at work, about how we who entered the work force in the 80's will be the first generation of seniors not baffled by computers and therefore will not be thwarted by technology; we already netbank. But that said, I can see that being able to handle updates myself is and will be a huge advantage. And perhaps a way to keep my brain active.

Charcoal drawing of an owl that I bought

Charcoal drawing of an owl that I bought

Epilogue: An artist was working on a charcoal drawing. From where I was sitting, the owl was looking straight at me, not unpleasantly, but rather like an invitation. In Celtic myth, the owl represents the old woman, the wise crone, the future for us post-menopausal women. Perhaps wisdom is exactly what is needed for updating computers. I will ask the owl later. I am buying that picture.