Back at the beginning

I’ve lost my way. Again. Once again I find myself looking for home. I wonder what my ball and chain are, what is weighing me down.

The Universe cracks me up. It never fails to throw every single clue at me. Last night’s tarot card draw gave me The Fool. A card that means both having utter faith in the process, and also new beginnings. Tough call when neither seems obvious right now to me.

Today’s art of the day from the app “Happy Color” is the illustration above. Another clue. But what is actually weighing me down?

Another clue is bookmarked in a book I just got on the brain/gut connection at the chapter talking about the link between childhood trauma and IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) in adults. Anxiety goes to the gut.

That’s where I am now. On partial sickleave again, partly because every little glitch or new thing lately was sending me straight to the bathroom.

Reading stuff like that is a dangerous sport. It’s depressing reading since it reminds of my damaged self due to my damaged childhood. On the other hand, if I don’t explore these topics, I may not find away to help myself.

I miss who I used to be, the woman who could handle change and uncertainty better than I do now. I miss the energy and curiosity I used to have. This is a new me and I don’t yet know if she’s my new permanent self or a placeholder. Do I accept her? Like her?

I am so lost right now that I realize I have to go back to basics: Prayer. Stop trying to solve all my problems through sheer will power and surrender to a bigger power. I prayed last night, and discovered that my breathing had calmed by the end. Hmm…

And that idea of accepting, perhaps befriending, my new self is an interesting thought. Perhaps this is what The Fool meant: This is your Now; stop waiting (weighting?) for something different and just go with it.

Hmm… My breathing has calmed again.