In my ongoing journey to figure myself and life and all that stuff out, I’m now trying to learn about non-attachment. Attachment = expectation. In “The Shack”, they suggest you ditch the noun and go for the verb: Expecting. That is making more and more sense to me. Expectation sets you up for failure; expecting opens you up.
I have noticed lately that unopened messages produce their own kind of stress in me. I have been feeling overwhelmed so am back on 50% sick leave (had tried to reduce to 30%). It just doesn’t take much to get me worked up, and it doesn’t feel like excitement or anticipation. It feels like dread. So not good.
The thing is, it’s just the mind playing tricks. Because every single message or email I opened was harmless. Utterly harmless. Nothing overwhelming or negative or difficult. Just a message.
There are a variety of techniques for dealing with stuff, some physical (like taking deep breaths), some more mental (like saying you’re safe as long as you’re breathing). I have been trying to meditate, unguided, silent, blank. And of course my mind wants to fill the space. That’s what minds do. So I have to gently shove the thoughts aside but the process itself has led to some discoveries.
Like when Taylor Swift’s “Blank Space” shows up because I said to myself I want to focus on a blank space. I said to my mind I’d share that later. And that wording gave listening to music a whole new level. It made a two-way street. “I’ll listen later” is one-way. All about me, the listener, and the music is just an object. But “I’ll share later” seems to acknowledges the original effort of the musicians. They aren’t next to me now, but “sharing” creates a more active form of listening; the music becomes a bridge. This could, of course, just be wordplay, but I like it.
Anyway, back to messages. The Universe has been deliberately setting me up, to force me to learn to think differently.
My 50% sick leave started with 3 days of 100% (that overwhelmed thing). I texted my team leader at work twice on Friday: Once to tell her I was off sick, and later to tell her I would be back at 50% and what schedule would work for her? I got no reply on Friday and the back of my mind was sure I’d pissed her off in some way.
Sunday I was set meet a friend for coffee, a most reliable friend. If he says he’s picking me up at 1 pm, he’s picking me up at 1 pm. He usually texts me to let me know he’s in the parking lot. But I got no text, and immediately entertained the idea that he had driven off the road and was dead somewhere. After telling myself I’d survive losing him and I was also being utterly ridiculous, I texted “Did we have a date at 1?” and waited for a message back that didn’t come.
That’s when I noticed that my birdfeeder had … a pair of blue tits! So far it’s been mostly sparrows and one timid great tit (a young one so that’s why; he hasn’t learned yet). Blue tits! Cool!
My phone rang. My friend wondering why I wasn’t meeting him in the parking lot. I hadn’t got a text, I said, but I’m on my way. That was 1:04 pm.
Later on Sunday, I got my missing texts. The delayed text from my friend let me see the birds. Texts sent Friday from my team leader also showed up. All was well.
I just really need to stop assuming the worst. Or assuming at all.
A tit is what the bird is called in Europe. The North American cousin is called a chickadee. But saying great tit is great fun, ain’t it. 😉
Also, here’s a video that explains fractals the way I wanted to explain it in my last post. 🙂